Counsels survivors of domestic violence
Photograph By Elaine Little

Before I started volunteering here, my thoughts were, "Why would a woman go back to a man who beats on her?" I learned there are many reasons why that never did cross my mind. There is the honeymoon period, where the man promises to change, brings flowers and candy and says. "Honey, this will never happen again." And they love this person and want to believe it. Then there's economics, threats to kill the children. Threats to have the kids taken away. And women believe that this will happen if they leave.

You read in the paper, you hear in the news a man burned himself, wife and daughters, set the house on fire, because he was going through a divorce and didn't want to lose anything. Women in severely abusive situations see this on the news and fear this will happen to them.

I knew what crisis counseling was before I started volunteering with S.A.F.E. Place. I had friends who were counseling volunteers. And I used to do a lot of talking, especially with people who were going through problems. Whenever you're talking and listening, you're counseling. A friend saw an article about S.A.F.E. Place needing help and suggested I see about lending a hand. There are men who do this kind of volunteering. A few, anyway.

I talked to the director four years ago, and she thought I would be good with the phone lines, and maybe the intake and crisis counseling. I've always had a gift for listening. I'm not judgmental. I think I have the wisdom to listen and talk in a helping way.

The first six weeks at S.A.F.E. Place was just learning the operation and going through forty-five hours of training. Then it was constant counseling and intakes. When the clients come in, we sit down and talk to them, go through lots of paperwork, and ask them what went on in their lives to bring them here.

Sometimes a women has a problem with a male crisis counselor. I was warned about that when I started. They told me that calls would come in where the woman may hang up if a man answers the phone. And that did happen. I can understand why some women do that. It's more comfortable talking to another woman when issues like sexual abuse come up. If there's a problem like that. I just hand the phone over to one of the women counselors

With face-to-face counseling, some women appreciate talking to a man because they can get the man's point of view--an open-minded point of view. All men are not bad. That's what I tell the women. I've also been told it's good to have a man at the shelter because it's positive role model for the children staying there.

The greatest rewards I have received while here are two cards from two women thanking me for the help I gave them. They stayed for a while and then moved on. Months later I got cards thanking me for being there. When you know you can help somebody and point them in a better direction, it's so rewarding. It lets you know there are people out there who appreciate what you do.

At first I wondered if a volunteer could help a person's life get better. But I'm a positive person. I knew there would be some way, I could help. Communal living is hard for many people. The women here are leaving an environment that was rough and coming into one where everyone is a stranger. I realized part of my job was just to make people feel comfortable.

The first night they come in, most battered women are nervous. They just left a bad situation, and they're usually exhausted. It takes a couple of days before they open up and meet other clients and talk. It can take a week before they smile.

When someone comes in really distraught and just about losing it, it's hard to find the right words to say. What can you say to a woman who just left a man who beat her up bad or is trying to kill her? Most of the time I just sit and listen. If you've had bad problems, all anyone can tell you is that things will get better. So I search for the right words. I try to provide empathy.

To see how these women move on and find an apartment, trying to make a change, is inspiring. And believe me it is a struggle for them. Some of their biggest fears are about getting and on their own.

Volunteering is great because it puts me in a different environment. I had friends and hang-outs through work, but you lose all of that when you retire. Volunteering has broadened my horizons. I've made new friends. Every day is a new day.

Everyone should give volunteering a try. You'll be surprised by what you have to offer. It only takes one or two hours a week to make a difference. Any nonprofit can use the help. Do something.

© INDEPENDENT SECTOR from the book Voices from the Heart - In Celebration of America's Volunteers, a volunteer project of Jossey-Bass Publishers and Chronicle Books.