Gives family-to-family mentoring
Photograph By Elaine Little

As parents we want to model certain values to our children: compassion, generosity, patience, time management, problem-solving skills. Everything you want to give to your children, you can show them by volunteering.

Volunteering as a family creates a connection between you and your city, and with people of different races and backgrounds. It creates time as a family when you do something that matters. This is a quality family time--and you're not just renting videos.

I've been involved in Family to Family Ties for three years. First, as a participant, when I was homeless and had a four-year-old son, Kyle, and newborn twin girls, Loren and Hana. We got help finding funding for a townhouse, furniture, clothes. Christmas presents, transportation--everything I needed to get back on track. Now I've got a good job. I'm mentoring for Family to Family, and this spring I'm getting my degree in psychology.

I used to think volunteers were people who told you how to live. I used to fear getting help because I feared judgment and was embarrassed about my situation. Now I've learned that volunteers learn as much from the people they help and that homelessness can happen to anyone. I'm no better than anyone and they're no better than me.

The hardest part of helping a family who's struggling is to help them feel comfortable enough to get out and experience things. The woman I mentor, Kris, has four children. She was on welfare, didn't have money, and didn't have the house. When you're poor, you live in a neighborhood where there's no YMCA down the street. It's more than not having money--it's not having opportunities that becomes a poverty of spirit. I think there was a shame this family had and in the beginning we were proving we just wanted to be there for them because they are human beings.

The first thing we provided was transportation and encouragement. It wasn't real to her at first. After taking her child to the doctor and bringing my family over for her children's birthdays, she saw it wasn't just talk, that we were for real and we really cared. At first, she denied needing help. Now she's a different person. She knows how to ask for help and calls me.

Our kids took to each other from the beginning. My son, Kyle, has a long braid and one pierced ear, and Kris's kids had questions about that. When they see stuff in the media about Native Americans, they ask if that bothers me or if it is true. From spending time with us, I think they've learned that Native Americans aren't like what they've seen in the movies, that there are contemporary issues we face and that we have a culture and a strength that helps us survive in the world. We can serve as role models.

Since they learned to trust us, it's like everyone sort of belongs to each other now. We generally get together on the weekends and share a meal. A lot of times Kris will want to talk, so we'll meet somewhere while the kids play together.

Work is a frightening concept to her right now because she hasn't worked in years. Welfare requires her to work, and I'm helping her for the next stage of her life. I'm getting her some business clothes, teaching her how to fill out applications, writing cover letters and resumes. It's a whole new chapter in her life.

One day I visited Kris for a cookout, and I had a problem on my mind. We talked, and she had an insight that really helped me deal with it. This was a few months into the relationship, and I truly didn't expect that. Our roles reversed, and I realized that the role of mentor would blur and go back and forth. I think it was empowering for Kris and changed the whole tone of our relationship. After that when I'd call and say, "Let me know if you need anything," she'd say, "You too."

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that everyone has something to give. Even when you think you're the one in the giving role, you get as much as you give. Sometimes it's hard to see who's the mentor. Maybe you can't change the world, but you really can change a piece of someone's world just through caring. It's incredible what single mothers can do when they believe in themselves and someone believes in them.

I was in Kris's situation for a long time. So many people helped me get to where I am now. Teachers helped. Friends helped. People stepped forward who became friends. My mentors from this program gave my life back to me. I didn't have dreams; I was just trying to survive.

Volunteering is what I do with my life. It's how my family lives. People who don't volunteer can't imagine how good it feels or they don't think it makes a difference.

I would tell those people my story. Where I was then and where I am now, it's a dream. It has everything to do with people who volunteered. Complete strangers. People who didn't know me at all gave me my life and my dreams again.

© INDEPENDENT SECTOR from the book Voices from the Heart - In Celebration of America's Volunteers, a volunteer project of Jossey-Bass Publishers and Chronicle Books.